The Trinity: A Perfect Shell Game

If you've been reading my last few posts and you're now hopelessly confused, then I'd like to thank you -- it means you've been paying attention!

 

Then Job answered the Lord: ‘I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. “Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?” Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. “Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you declare to me.” I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you’ (Job 42 1-5). As Job finally came to understand, it’s always better to listen to what God has to say about God instead of what theologians say about God. If you want to know God, you have to look beyond the limited scope of church doctrines on the nature of God; you have to be willing to look at all of Creation. Photo credit Hemera Technologies 2001 – 2003.

My last post (about the Law of Attraction) seems to contradict my earlier posts about prophecy and apocalypticism and the Church's claim that we can't change anything in our relationship with God because of original sin. But hey -- that's the great thing about orthodox Western Christian theology! It doesn't have to make sense! Mutually contradictory doctrines are more than welcome in the pulpit -- in fact, the more confusion, the better. That way, people in the congregation will always feel off balance and slightly stupid in comparison to the elevated seminarians who have humbly answered God's call to preach the Chalcedon Creed.

And such a joy it is to be able to preach the mystery of the Trinity and the whole homoousios (one substance) thing!* Of course it doesn't make any sense . . . but that's the beauty of it! Our inability to understand the Trinity reminds us constantly that we're weak and unworthy in comparison to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Obviously, if we weren't so weak and unworthy, we'd understand the whole thing better, more like those specially chosen priests and ministers who are higher than we are on the ladder of spiritual ascent. But, alas, ours is not to wonder why, as the old saying goes. Ours is to obey.

The Church says that God is One, but is also Three, and we must obey the Church's teachings on this matter. We must submit to a Trinitarian God. Even in the United Church of Canada, where a lot of people no longer feel comfortable with Trinitarian theology, General Council still requires that baptisms be carried out in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit (all of whom are male).

It's a neat trick, this God-is-One-but-also-Three thing. It's a convenient way to play a shell game with the contradictory teachings in the Bible and in the Church's own body of doctrines. By insisting that God is of one substance but three different natures, the Church can preserve its traditional image of God as a transcendent, monotheistic, unemotional King and Judge, while at the same time keeping the idea of God as interventionist Spirit, and God as Suffering Son. But don't forget -- God is all these things at the same time, so you mustn't try to imagine that the Suffering Son is a different being or entity in comparison to the transcendent and unemotional King. And don't forget that although the Son conquered the devil and original sin while he was here, you're still suffering from the effects of the devil and original sin because, well, because, ummm, the End Times aren't here yet, so the promise of salvation hasn't been completely fulfilled yet. But don't worry too, too much, because even as we speak, God is stretching out his hand from the future End Times (where all things have already been fulfilled), and is reaching into the present time through the actions of the Spirit and the miracle of prolepsis to bring some of that fulfillment into your life today.

Like, huh?

I have a better idea, one that's much less complicated. Let's try Jesus' own teachings about God for a while, and see if we can do better in our ongoing efforts to forge a meaningful, sensible, joyous relationship with God the Father and God the Mother.

Jesus' own teachings can't be any worse than what we've got right now.


*If you want to read about the history of the debates that led to the christological and trinitarian doctrines still held by the church, a good introduction can be found in Justo L. Gonzalez, The Story of Christianity, Vol. 1: The Early Church to the Dawn of the Reformation (New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 1984). An extremely thorough and erudite theological review of the relevant early doctrines is presented in Jon Sobrino, Christ the Liberator (Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books, 2001).

The Law of Attraction in the Gospel of Matthew: God as the Great Gumball Machine in the Sky

Ya gotta love those Kevin Trudeau infomercials. The guy's a regular pitbull when he's trying to market his latest "no-fail" product. A while back, he was aggressively promoting his "Natural Cure." These days, he's hawking "the Law of Attraction" in a new and improved form that can be yours in a 10 CD package for a mere $297. He calls his latest course "Your Wish Is Your Command."

Not long ago, Rhonda Byrne was selling essentially the same product through her book and video called The Secret. Before that, Joseph Murray was touting the "newly discovered" Law of Attraction in books such as The Power of Your Subconscious Mind. And before that, Ernest Holmes was proclaiming the wonders of "the Law" in his "landmark" book The Science of Mind.

What has this got to do with Christianity?

Everything.

The Law of Attraction, as recent writers have labelled it, is not a new idea. It's an ancient idea. It's an idea that serves as the foundation for a lot of ancient religious writings that are loosely lumped together by scholars under the heading of "Wisdom Literature." Wisdom teachings purport to teach people how to recognize the inviolable laws of creation that, if properly observed, can lead to wealth, prosperity, good health, family status, and happiness.

In the Hebrew Scriptures, three books are generally considered to represent the Wisdom tradition: Proverbs, Job, and Ecclesiastes. Elements of Wisdom teachings are also sprinkled here and there throughout the Hebrew Scriptures, as in Genesis 2-3. Some of the Psalms have overtones of Wisdom.

Not to be outdone, the Gospel of Matthew in the New Testament states in unambiguous terms that if you follow the laws and the prophets in righteousness, "all things will be given to you" (Matthew 6:33). In his wrap-up of the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew has Jesus say, "Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:7-11).

There you have it in a nutshell. All you have to do is ask in the right way, and God will give it to you. Not only does God want to give it to you, but God has to give it to you, because the contract law says so. The contract law between God and God's people is binding on God. So if you righteously obey all the divine contract provisions (as they are stated by your religion's prophets), well, naturally, God is required to hold up his end of the bargain, and give you everything you ask for -- wealth, health, and happiness. 

There's a special kind of law that governs all Creation, you see. As several religious traditions will tell you, including Western Christian orthodoxy, these laws are both highly secret and highly powerful. If you can uncover the hidden secrets of these laws, you can tap into their unlimited power. In this spiritual understanding (which, I'd like to emphasize, is not limited to any one religion) God's divine creativity is considered to be a tap. It's hard to find this sacred tap, and it's even harder to figure out how to turn it on. But once you have the secret knowledge (gnosis) of how to turn on the tap, you can get whatever you want. 

Mystics of all religious traditions frequently fall into the narcissistic mire of believing that (1) there is such a tap and (2) they alone know how to find and control said tap. These same mystics are usually delighted to share the information with their disciples for a price. Sometimes, as with people such as Kevin Trudeau, the price is mere money. More often, the mystic seeks to gather for him/herself a treasure considered even more valuable to a narcissist than wealth. That treasure is status.  

The religious leaders of Rapa Nui (Easter Island) thought they had the Law of Attraction all figured out. It didn’t turn out too well for them. Photo credit 675px-Moái_de_Rano_Raraku,_en_Isla_de_Pascua, Wikimedia Commons.

 A dysfunctional mystic can live quite comfortably as an ascetic, disdaining wealth, comfort, and personal possessions, as long as he or she receives a steady diet of status to feed an ongoing psychological state of status addiction -- an addiction to status, as opposed to an addiction to psychotropic substances. The addiction to status operates in a person's central nervous system like any other addiction. There are constant cravings. Getting a "hit" of status causes the brain to release dopamine in the same way that getting a "hit" of cocaine causes the brain to release dopamine.

The only way for an ascetic mystic to get an ongoing supply of status is to indulge in spiritual practices that "affirm" to the mystic that he or she is higher on the ladder of spiritual ascent than you are.

To be higher on the ladder is to have more status. It's as simple as that. It's as scary as that.

To be "in the know" about the "Law of Attraction" is to have more status. This ancient spiritual practice attracts psychologically dysfunctional people who are already addicted to the dopamine high of status. That's why it feels so good to them when they try to follow these "righteous" teachings -- they're getting a hit of dopamine each time they tell themselves they're cleverly invoking the "contract laws" of the universe (i.e. invoking the Covenant).

Be careful what you wish for -- you might get it, and it probably won't be what you thought it would be.

That's because God the Mother and God the Father never give you what you ask for. They only give you what you need.

And you need an addiction to status like you need a hole in the head.

Further Update on the Vatican's "Sin Within"

Last Friday, on June 11, 2010, Pope Benedict XVI addressed 15,000 priests who were in St. Peter's Square to mark the end of the Vatican's Year of the Priest. In his homily, Benedict asked forgiveness from God and from affected people for the sins of the sexually abusive clerics in the Roman Catholic church. He also promised "to do everything possible to ensure that such abuse will never occur again" (Nicole Winfield, "Pope Begs Forgiveness, Promises Action on Abuse," The Globe and Mail, June 11, 2010).

While I'm quite certain that God the Mother and God the Father do, indeed, forgive Benedict for his own errors, and do, indeed, forgive the priests who've intentionally harmed the faithful in their care, I'm equally certain that hidden abuse will continue in the Roman Catholic church.

Many Christians want to make this a question of theodicy: how do we explain evil in the world while at the same time preserving our image of God as good and loving? If God allows abuse to continue in the church, does it mean that God is powerless and ineffectual? Impotent against the powers of the devil? Or does it mean that God is actually not a very nice person?

Many of the Christians I know would much rather blame the problem of evil on God and/or the devil than put the blame where it belongs: on the values and moral beliefs held by both individuals and by cultural groups.

The Roman Catholic church is a cultural group. It teaches particular cultural beliefs. (These comprise its theological doctrines). It has a consciously promoted schedule of active teaching. Its goal is to teach its people early on in life how they should conduct themselves in relationship to God, church hierarchy, and empire. Traditionally, it has punished members who question its teachings or its authority (the Inquisition). It has conferred upon itself the mantle of infallibility. It claims it is the one true church, the only legitimate path to salvation. 

The Roman Catholic church has long held a vision of how society should be -- how society should look, act, and "feel." Its body of theological doctrines has been carefully cultivated so that only kind of garden can grow in its presence. The church has no one but itself to blame for this.

At the Vatican. Photo credit J MacDonald 2011.

 

The conditions in a garden dictate what kinds of plants will thrive there. A garden that has full sun, lots of water, and lots of nutrients (nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, etc.) will grow very different plants than a garden that has shady conditions or a high pH in the soil or low nitrogen. If you restrict certain nutrients, you restrict which plants will flower abundantly. If you water some plants and not others, you control which plants will flourish, and which plants will live a miserable life of bare subsistence before dying a premature death. 

Throughout its history, the orthodox Western church has been heavily committed to the lessons learned from gardening. Hewing closely to the principle that the person who controls the conditions of a garden will control the ultimate harvest of said garden, the church has intentionally chosen a specific blend of nutrients for its religio-political garden. The nutrients in this case are its doctrines. The doctrines are what "feed" the hearts and minds of the faithful. If you precisely control the "mix" of doctrines available to your people, you precisely control the rate at which people's hearts and minds can grow. If you balance this mix with the precision of a master botanist, you can ensure that the people in your congregations grow just enough to offer you the occasional flower without ever getting big enough to overshadow you.

It's a new idea, this idea that the introduction of particular belief systems can alter the physical structure and biochemical functioning of a person's central nervous system and brain. I suppose I should amend that to say it's a new idea among neuroscientists -- unfortunately, it's not a new idea among history's power mongers.

Long before the advent of brain scanning technologies, would-be tyrants had empirically observed that people's behaviour could be altered through the careful repetition of certain ideas. These tyrants didn't understand the changes at a biochemical or neurophysiological level, and they didn't need to -- all they needed to understand was the result, the harvest of their ideological campaigns. Early orthodox Church Fathers understood this principle well.

Early in the history of the church, orthodox Christian teachers made a conscious decision to take an axe to the teachings of Jesus as represented in the Gospel of Mark, and to overshadow Jesus' sunny, open "vineyard" with the giant magic beanstalk of spiritual ascent (a beanstalk seen later in the children's fairy tale of that name). They've been feeding this beanstalk of "elevation" for the "elect" with their repeated assertions that the devil exists, that Judgment Day is coming (soon, very soon! -- or at least sometime, maybe, we're pretty darned sure, because it says so in the apocalyptic books), that the soul is tainted by original sin, that Jesus is your only hope of salvation, that Holy Mother Church is the only portal through which you can gain access to the gold at the top of the beanstalk.

This set of teachings was well established by the mid-3rd century CE. It's not new (and it certainly didn't originate with Jesus himself!). The problem with the church's teachings is that their doctrines damage your biological brain. When you fully embrace these teachings as "divine truth," your brain stops working the way God intends. Your brain responds exactly like the plant that's been crippled because the gardener has intentionally withheld the water, nutrients, and care you need. Your heart and mind don't really grow. You spend all your life sitting in the shadow of the towering beanstalk and feeling like crap. You feel like crap because all the truth -- all the spiritual nutrients -- about the actual nature of your relationship with God have been artfully concealed from you. You wouldn't recognize the plants that grow in a sunny, lush, well-watered garden if they came chasing after you. 

Such as forgiveness. Would you be able to recognize forgiveness if it entered your life? Probably not. Most Christian's can't. That's because the orthodox Church has never taught people about forgiveness (which is why I'm somewhat sceptical about the Pope's current pleas for forgiveness).

Why hasn't the Church taught people how to forgive when it's obvious from reading the Gospel of Mark that Jesus insisted on the message of forgiveness? The Church doesn't want to teach people how to forgive, because once people catch onto the feeling of forgiveness, they'll be able to figure out for themselves that divine forgiveness is the antithesis of "salvation" and "grace." They'll realize that the church has been lying to them for centuries about their souls. The garden of orthodoxy might start to look like a thorny patch of weeds and thistles instead of the prophesied paradise!

It's no mystery why some church clerics have been sexually abusing vulnerable people in their care. You can't expect a human being's brain to produce a harvest of compassion, integrity, inclusiveness, and enlightenment when all you do every day is try to fill that person's brain with a steady diet of dissociation, lack of forgiveness, hierarchical control, and suppression of learning.

If Pope Benedict really means it when he says he wants to do "everything possible to ensure that such abuse will never occur again," the only truly effective strategy will be for him to call a Council along the lines of Vatican II, and embark on the painful path of rescinding some of the church's most cherished doctrinal beliefs.

Somehow I'm not holding my breath.

The Life of a Mystic: Welcome to Groundhog Day!

In 1993, Columbia Pictures released a modest film billed as a "romantic comedy fantasy" that stars Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. "Groundhog Day" continues to be a favourite for many people. It's a feel-good movie, a tale of redemption. Bill Murray is in top form as TV weatherman Phil Connors, a man who starts out arrogant, nasty, judgmental, angry, impatient, and not especially talented or competent (although he thinks he's quite brilliant). In short, he's a typical middle-aged North American. By the end of the movie, he's kind, empathetic, polite, patient, and very talented. At the beginning, he has no heart. At the end, he finds his true heart. Only then does the universe consent to release him from the time warp he's caught in.

The film Groundhog Day is set in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on Groundhog Day (February 2). Photo credit: “Marmota monax UL 04” by Cephas – Own work, Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

This film is about the the universe's refusal to accept Phil Connor's excuses for his nasty behaviour. As Phil gradually comes to understand he's part of a bizarre karmic "catch and release" program, it's apparent the universe also refuses to accept his initial handling of the situation. The universe steadfastly ignores his denial stage, his angry stage, and his depressed stage. Only when Phil himself decides he wants to be a kind, empathetic, polite, patient, talented person, and only when he decides that he likes being such a person, does time start to move forward again. The message is clear: Phil can't control the environment the universe has chosen for him -- the time warp reality of Groundhog Day -- but he can control his own thoughts and feelings about the situation.

This film is the best representation I've seen of what it feels like to have a mystical connection with God.

That's why I put it at the top of my list of "best spiritual films." By way of contrast, I don't have a spot for Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" on my list of helpful spiritual films. To my way of thinking, "The Passion of the Christ" is a propaganda film, not a spiritual film.

"Groundhog Day" makes a number of powerful claims:

1. The universe (God) pulls out all the stops for everyone, not just for specially chosen Messiahs or the specially chosen sons of kings, presidents, and CEO's. Phil Connors is a regular guy with a regular job, not a person at the top of the fame chart.
2. The universe (God) knows Phil isn't choosing to be the best person he's capable of being. The universe has an opinion on this.
3. The universe (God) never gives up on Phil. Despite Phil's initial resistance, and despite the length of time it takes for Phil to decide he wants to be his best self, the universe is consistent and steadfast towards him. (This can be called God's Tough Love.)
4. The universe (God) sets up the painful learning environment. God is in charge of this part, and no human can control it.
5. The universe (God) gives each person free will.
6. People can change.
7. People won't change unless they want to (free will).
8. People are capable of amazing transformation once they decide they want to change.
9. It takes lots of time for changes to unfold. Redemption isn't an instant process!
10. It takes lots of sincerity for changes to become permanent. You can fake out your neighbours, but you can't fake out the universe. The universe (God) always knows your true intent, so you have to mean it when you say you want to change.
11. It takes hard work and consistent effort on the part of a person who wants to find redemption.
12. People need help from others as they struggle to change! They can't do it on their own. They need help from people who care about them.
13. People make mistakes on the journey of change and redemption. That's okay!
14. Engaging in active learning helps the process of change. (In the film, Phil starts to take courses -- piano lessons and medical training, for example.)
15. Engaging in active service in the community helps the process of change. (Phil develops a Good Samaritan routine in the timeloop community where he's living.)
16. The more Phil learns and the more genuinely empathetic he becomes, the more humble he becomes.
17. The more Phil learns and the more genuinely empathetic he becomes, the more dedicated he becomes to serving his community . . . and bonus -- the help he offers is actually needed!
18. Phil finds his heart when he finds himself.
19. Once he's found his heart, he's still a regular guy. But now he's able to trust himself. And he's finally able to like himself. He feels inner peace at last.

This is the process I had to go through, so I can really relate to it. My "Groundhog Day" initiation into the journey of redemption lasted for years. I had no idea at first what I was trying to do, and I made the same mistakes over and over again, but -- thank goodness for me and my family -- my angelic guide refused to give up on me.

And the 19 point summary I've posted here is the work I had to complete BEFORE I could begin to call myself a practising mystic!

I tell ya' -- those angelic guides are tough sons of bitches. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Oneness" -- The Great Bait and Switch

There's something particularly insidious about the idea that "We Are All One." 

Yeah, I know, I know . . . it sounds wonderfully spiritual and enlightened to say "we are all One." It sounds, oh, so inclusive, so un-American, so gentle and loving and soothing and healing. It sounds like the very opposite of our society's social isolation and lack of love. It sounds like something the soul would say, doesn't it? 

These ripple patterns in a still lake were formed as single water droplets fell from the trees after a heavy rain. As souls, each of us affects the universe in the way these small water droplets bring wavelets to the lake. From a distance, it may look as if the waters of the lake are "all One." But up close, each droplet affects the lake in unique ways. Christian mystics have too often looked at Creation from a distance and chosen to see it as "all One." In fact, Creation is a marvel of diversity and uniqueness. It's Divine Love that creates the background of calmness and beauty against which each soul -- each droplet -- can paint a small picture that says, "I'm here! I may be small, but I matter!" Together, countless small droplets flow and dance and weave together to create infinite wonders. Photo credit JAT 2015.

Millions of spiritual seekers think so. They're out there trying to become "one" with God, "one" with Creation, "one" with each other. They're trying with all their might to "let go." They've been told by religious and spiritual teachers that they have to dissolve themselves and let go of their wants and needs in order to experience transcendence -- a blissful sense of union with the oneness of all life, a sense that all boundaries have vanished, a sense that they're finally free of all longing and suffering.

This, my friends, is not what mystical union feels like. This is what dissociation from your thoughts, feelings, and inner wisdom feels like. This is what the major mental illness called Atypical Dissociative Disorder feels like. Sometimes the dissociation is so extreme that the person can be said to exhibit psychopathy (also called sociopathy). 

Many people will be furious with me for saying this. But it needs to be said. And it needs to be fully researched. There's no excuse for the church -- or anyone else, for that matter -- to be teaching people to dissociate from their thoughts, feelings, and needs. This is reckless, dangerous, and abusive. It scars people's central nervous systems, typically for life. It's no different than driving a steel rod through their skulls, and turning them all into Phineas-Gage-lookalikes. (Phineas Gage was a 19th century worker who underwent a dramatic personality change after an industrial accident propelled a steel rod through his left cheek, into the orbitofrontal cortex of his brain, and out the top of his head.)

I am a practising mystic. I'm NOT a mystical wannabee who wants to be counted as a mystic but has never actually had a genuine mystical experience. Thomas Merton, famed 20th century Christian monk, contemplative, and writer on mysticism, died in his 50's without ever having experienced a transformative mystical connection with God. Yet he wrote many books on the topic. I think he was a very sincere man, but I don't think it was right for him to claim to be an expert on something he'd never figured out for himself. 

Me, I don't keep track of the many mystical experiences I've had in the past few years, because mystical experiences are now a normal part of my normal, everyday, Canadian life.

I live a normal Canadian life in most ways. I don't live in a religious community, and I don't live according to traditional Christian monastic rules. I have an apartment, a car, and a job. I take courses at the university. I get together with friends and family. I like to listen to pop music, and I love to watch TV (certain shows only, though).

Yet woven all around and within this daily life is a deep spiritual practice that yields a tremendous harvest of mystical connection with God. How have I managed to do this when dedicated, highly religious people like Thomas Merton have failed? I've managed to do this because I've discarded all spiritual teachings that insist "we are all One."

We are not all One. To say that we should have empathy for other people is NOT the same as saying we are all One. Of course I believe we should have empathy for others. Of course I believe there'd be a whole lot less suffering in the world if more people had empathy for others. Of course I believe that to cultivate empathy is to walk the walk of a spiritual life. 

But this isn't what spiritual leaders mean when they say to you that "we're all One." They mean it literally -- they mean there's literally no real distinction, no real boundary, between you and your God. They mean that boundaries between you and other people are "illusion." They try to use some of the recent findings from physics to "prove" that everything in the universe is really only a manifestation of one big blob of energy in the sky. (Yes, I'm being facetious).

When they say you're One with God, they mean that if you try hard enough to shed all your humanness (like a snake shedding its old skin), you'll be able to merge with that big blob of energy called Creator. In effect, you'll become God, because you'll be able to "remember" that your "inner spark" is God. Once you've achieved this wondrous state of perfection, you'll no longer have to struggle with annoying human challenges such as forgiveness. You'll be above illusory things such as forgiveness. What's to forgive, after all, if the neighbour who harmed you is really just "you" in a different snake suit?

Isn't it an interesting coincidence that when you fully embrace the idea that "we're all One," you don't have to do any spiritual work anymore?

It's a good life, being "One with the All." You don't have to struggle with messy feelings, because you've dissociated yourself from your healthy human emotions. You don't have to feel guilt or shame about your choices, because all choices are illusory anyway. You can smile when other people are crying, because you've detached yourself from all that pain and grief stuff. You can go around pretending you understand what unconditional love is, because words are cheap when you're disconnected from your own inner wisdom, disconnected from your own soul.

The true path of the soul -- a path that has rarely been described in the history of Christian mysticism -- is a path of finding yourself rather than losing yourself. It's a path of finding out who you really are as the soul God made you to be. (Needless to say, everyone's soul is amazingly awesome.) It's a path of finding out what makes you a unique individual in a vast angelic family of other unique individuals (none of whom are better than you -- they're just different from you). It's a path of learning how to deal with powerful, divine emotions such as love, gratitude, courage, devotion, and trust. It's a path of honouring and respecting the differences between us (i.e. our gender, race, age, talents, quirks, and "blind spots"), and at the same time rejoicing in what makes us the same (i.e. our innate ability to love, to learn, to change, to forgive). It's a path of knowing who you are so you can know who other people are. It's a path of respecting boundaries between you and other people. It's a path of respecting boundaries between you and God.

Only then will you be able to enter into a mature and humble relationship with God the Mother and God the Father while you're living your human life.

This is the path that Jesus has taught me. 

I highly recommend it.

My Firsthand Experience With a Modern Apocalyptic Prophet

Even to this day, I can't believe I missed the signs of Grace's major mental illness.

At the time I first met Grace in 1998, I was working in the mental health field. Every day at the office I met and spoke with people whose lives had been torn apart by major depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, and Axis II issues such narcissistic personality disorder. I'd seen people suffering from psychotic depression, and I'd seen some of those psychotic patients undergo miraculous recovery after proper treatment. So it's not like I could claim ignorance.

Ignorance, no. But naivete . . . yes, I admit to a heaping dose of that. And compartmentalization. I made the near-fatal mistake of compartmentalizing spirituality, of separating spirituality from everyday life, of trying to place my spirituality -- and Grace's -- on some sort of special pedestal.

In my naivete, I was trying to climb the ladder of spiritual ascent. At the time, I thought that was a good thing. Only later did I realize that the path of holy ascent can be likened to a Boston Marathon of spiritual narcissists all scrambling to beat each other to the top of the special pinnacle where only a few special people are chosen to be especially close to God.

Like Plato. And Paul. And my spiritual teacher Grace. Apocalyptic prophets, all. Supremely confident. Absolutely convincing in their sincerity. Charming and persuasive. Endlessly energetic and enthusiastic. Psychopathic as hell.

That’s me in the red shirt during my Big Fat Idiot Stage in 2003. That’s Grace on the right in the light blue shirt (though she wasn’t looking particularly beatific during this shot).

 
I met Grace when I went for my very first Reiki healing. A mutual friend, Francesca, had arranged the Reiki healing for me. I knew very little at this point about New Age spirituality, and even less about traditional Christian mysticism. But I was eager to embark on a more spiritual path in my life (not so surprising for a 40 year old woman), and I'd suddenly found a bona fide Reiki master in my own community! It seemed too good to be true.

Grace had a beatific face. True, she was obese, but that was only because she so enjoyed cooking for other people to make them happy. True, she could knock back 5 ounces of vodka in half an hour, but that was only because she had a high threshold for alcohol (and she never drank the day before a Reiki healing). True, her two adult sons used alcohol and cannabis heavily, but that was only because they were so friendly and sociable and couldn't say no to their friends, and in any event they were loved unconditionally by their parents, regardless of their behaviour. True, she became heavily addicted to pornography, but that was only in the context of a loving, monogamous relationship. True, she had a violent temper, but that was only because . . . well, that was only because she was right and other people were wrong, and she needed to clearly express to other people that she wouldn't tolerate their unfair criticisms of her.

What mattered most to Grace was her spiritual path. She had trained as a certified Usui lineage Reiki Master. She revelled in the language, the symbolism, of it. Handpainted symbols covered the walls of the room in her home where she carried out her Reiki healings. She lit scented candles, played gentle, reassuring instrumental music, spoke in a reassuring tone. She talked the talk of divine love from beginning to end.

She talked endlessly and sincerely about divine love. She talked about the wondrous gift of divine healing that could come to people through hands-on healing. She said loudly and often that "we are all One, we are all equal." She constantly strove to update her knowledge through New Age books, Internet sites, and spiritual workshops. She took new courses. She taught new courses. She seemed like "the real deal."

But Grace was all talk. That's all she did -- talk. She did not practise empathy in her own life. In fact, she was one of the most vindictive, most unempathetic, most controlling, most self-entitled people I've ever met.

That's why I have to thank her. I have to thank her for teaching me so consistently and so painfully that you can't trust a spiritual teacher on the basis of words alone. You can't trust the teachings of a dysfunctional spiritual teacher. Everything Grace did was focussed on Grace. She said she cared about her students and her Reiki patients, but she didn't. She cared about herself. She only taught spiritual teachings that made her feel superior to other people. She needed to be "the Master." She needed to be one of God's specially chosen messengers. She needed to make prophetic claims. She needed to be in charge of other people's spirituality. This was how she coped with her dissociative disorder.

Don't get me wrong -- Grace was highly dysfunctional for a damned good reason, and I know that. She's a survivor of an abusive childhood home, where an alcoholic father sexually abused his daughters, and an alcoholic mother humiliated the children. It's to Grace's credit that as an adult she managed to hold down a respectable job and stay in a stable marriage for as long as she did. But Grace was unable to accept that she had addiction problems and needed professional assistance. By the time I met her, she was a mess. And her "commitment" to her path of spiritual ascent made life worse -- both for herself and for her vulnerable students.

I didn't break off ties with Grace until 2005. I hope that in the past few years she has received the care she needed. Somewhere underneath all her vitriol was the kind and loving person God knew she could be.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to know that person.